We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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