If i come over, it means nothing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
