ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
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I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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