My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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