so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
