There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
