About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
