I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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