He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
