She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
