Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
