Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
