SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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