@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
foreskin is a definite game changer
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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