this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
