Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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