Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
