I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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