is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
