I feel great
I just peed on a car
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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