The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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