You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she looked like the before picture.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
