dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
