insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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