Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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