Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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