now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
