fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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