You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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