I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize