remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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