i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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