kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
