I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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