When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
