being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
