apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
