the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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