There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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