This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
