I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
