he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
