I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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