I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
