I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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