??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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