she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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