I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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