My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
