I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
