I cannot find my penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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