a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
