if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
