Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
