Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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