I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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